Euro Tour - March 2000

March 15^th 2000

We're off. I picked Russell up at approx. 18:30 to rendez-vous with Terry and Steve at Steve's house. The van was loaded and we drove round to pick up Calvin and Anita. What a tremendous start, everything going smoothly so far! The drive to Dover was good, and I was pleased to see that various weeds had been removed from the central reservation of the motorway. WELL DONE, motorway gardeners. Where would we be without you? (You're weird - Ed)

I was not looking forward to the ferry crossing, as ships and the sea are about as welcome to me as a fart in a spacesuit. Seasickness pills were the order of the day, so I necked a couple of these with Steve and Russell, washing them down with an alcoholic beverage. Apparently, the pill instructions say 'do not drink alcohol'. The proof of this was that we slept for 18hrs straight, waking up just in time for the first gig.

Arriving in Lahr at 9am, I stepped out of the warm comfort of the minibus into sub-zero temperatures. Anna showed us to our bedrooms. Heads down at 10.30am. An irate Jim Murdock woke me. Irate because I had tampered with some photos of him, which turned out quite amusing and highly collectable (drop me a line if you would like to see them). We also have a couple of Terry.

March 16^th

Terry is currently playing air guitar in front of the bathroom mirror. Curious - he seems better at playing a guitar this way than with a real one.

Left the hotel at 4.45pm to do the sound check at the Kornhaus. Lovely new lighting rig around the stage. During the sound check I was asked to keep the volume down when we started the gig proper. The 'Demon of Minimal Noise' seemed destined to piss on my fireworks - AGAIN! So far, this is the best sound we've ever had at the Kornhaus - cheers for the speakers, Rick.

Brief list of DON'TS if you are watching a sound check:

1. Don't tell the sound engineer that the lead guitar needs to come up on the solos - he knows that!
2. Don't tell the sound engineer that the backing vocals need lifting - the check isn't over. Comment afterwards please if I've fucked up on something.
3. DON'T EVER PROD THE SOUND ENGINEER IN THE BACK TO GET HIS FUCKING ATTENTION!! (Feel quite strongly about that one then? - Ed)

Thank you. Just needed to say that.

It's very quiet, but it is early so the pub will fill up later?!!? The DMN is back. "Please could you turn it down?" Well, I could….

There is a very saucy young lady sitting at a table wearing exactly the same Spice Girl platform shoes as Terry. A change comes over Terry. He is devastated and begins to bite his microphone in a frenzy. Unisex shoes or are they just for girls? Votes on the guestbook please, with comments.

Not many of the Germans are paying attention. Are they deaf? Steve is playing well.

For a third time, DMN slaps my wrist. But this time he tries a softer approach, sending over a lovely barmaid with gorgeous tits. I say I can't turn the music down. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I HAVE THE POWER.

It is now time for people to start filling the pub up, but they are not. It is totally fucking dead in here. There are also some strange men. If this were a Hollywood Western, then it would be from 'Gunfight at the O'Gay Corral'. Lots of suspicious types looking at me, staring and undressing me with their eyes, oh the shame! Terry may have a strop - first the shoes, and now this!

Third set is good, but best of all we do not have to pack up tonight. Back tomorrow - hurrah!!

Thanks to Jurg Seidel for his support and enthusiasm.

March 17^th - Kornhaus, 2^nd night

Arrived back at the Kornhaus hoping against all hope that there would be a bigger crowd. Another sound check and no 'be quiet' issues. I think he realised we don't do quiet.

8.00pm

Tight-arsed students are not keen on paying £1.80 to see a live band play. Punters are still not making their way inside, so we take to the streets with flyers telling people all about it. All this for the landlord and his business.

9.15pm

It seems to have had some effect. We have now got a fairly good crowd, and others are still coming in.

This crowd is 500% better than last night. People are going nuts over the music, and are up and dancing. A strange sight befell me - a pissed woman with a builder's arse cleavage. So big was it that Terry's new microphone stand almost went flying.

An 'out of timer' is clapping to a song, but it is obviously a totally different song to the one the band are playing.

In true rock God fashion, Terry asks for a tissue and blows his nose mid-chorus.

There's some real special dancing going on. We love it - a cross between 80's body-popping and a total lack of muscle control and co-ordination. Let it all hang, baby!

This barmaid has the arse about something, and is taking it out on us. Rude, arrogant, and not getting us any drinks. And by knocking into Anita several times when there was plenty of room to pass. Clearly a lesbian. Luckily, Rebecca sorts us out with the drinks. (Top Bird - comment by non-lesbian Ed)

March 18^th - Biddy Early's, Stuttgart

This is the gig we have been waiting for. Walking into the bar a guy having a drink comes to say hello "Thought I recognised you. I saw you play in Worthing last summer." Uncanny. He did not know we were here tonight.

Set up, sound check, keeping it extra loud for this place.

8.30pm and there is around 160-200 people already inside. A steady flow passes down the stairs, but this mopped up - ha ha ha ha ! (The Germans will never get that joke - Ed)

9.30pm and there is now 550-600 people here.

10.15pm more people. Around 800. AAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

My sphincter has decided to speak to my head and a sudden rush of nerves comes over me. I'm crapping myself (Why? You're just the roadie - Ed) But as soon as I sat at the PA, the nerves disappear. The band start up and there are about 1000 people here. They're all coming forward from the back. First set was shit hot, with a good response.

The second set was started with a Guinness drinking competition. Some wimmin actually down their Guinness quicker than the men (must be hormones) except little Lisa who had a sip and nearly threw up over her opponent.

Head count is now reaching the 1200 mark. Terry is working the audience like a demon on crack cocaine. Everyone is thoroughly enjoying themselves. Including the man standing behind me trying to do his wife from behind over the back of my chair as I was concentrating on my work.

What a fantastic gig.

Big shitter - now we have to pack up and drive home (well, Calvin and Terry do anyway)

Going home

A quick view at the inside of the van would show six people looking like extras from 'The Day of the Dead'. Eyes like pissholes in the snow. As we drive back to Calais, we fill in our admittance forms for the Betty Ford Clinic alcohol ward. No sleep till England….

Thanks to everyone who made our visit possible, and I hope to see you all again real soon. You be careful now.

Lots of love, Steve.